This is my first set of photos with my boys in 2018 as I embarked on this new journey to relax, love, and play more as a Maskcara Distributor. We’re gearing up for our second mommy & me shoot in my little office today, but before I do, it’s time to hit purchase on a print from this set that will hang in my office for probably ever. The print will act as a reminder…of the day I felt a little conflicted and awkward…but desiring so much; Mostly, a world where the balance between “Mom” and “Boss” could live in harmony. A few nights back….after watching a terrible video about how you’ll turn your kids into criminals if you make them cry it out….Jamie was sleeping between Clynn and I as we whispered pillow talk.
“I want to start over. I feel like I’ve already ruined them.”
Clynn said, “Jaclynn…there’s still allot of time left.”
Oh boy is he right. My, what many would call, “formal education” back ground is in early childhood development. I was deep in my studies while pregnant with Jamie and even had to have Clynn shut down one of my finals while I was in labor, “Your professor will UNDERSTAND” (and she did). I learned about different parenting methods, brain development, the most crucial windows to learn specific concepts like language, sympathy, and letter recognition. Oh, boy was I ready to do it all “the right–no THE BEST way” possible. –Go ahead Mommas, Grandmas, Aunties, & Long term childcare takers. Have a little giggle. It was a long shot….but I was able to use allot. And allot has gone right because of the time I spent learning all I could about the importance of reading to my kiddos and so much more. Sooo…you could say I entered parenthood with high expectations.
But two years later and one of them spent drowning in business I lost my patience. I got all wound up and I could take less and less from the tiny humans who just needed more and more.
I’ll be honest. I’m still conflicted. It’s so easy to get lost in your dream career with little ones watching on the sidelines…but I know the right thing to do is to be with them more and foster tolerance into ease and desire. Something honest I can stand behind, is that every major decision I’ve made in my life, was me honestly trying to do what I believed was the right thing to do….even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So here I am. Flowing into an ease and desire to spend more time with these cuties and these photos mark a big ‘ol fresh start. Because….”there’s still allot of time left”. And when you find yourself off your straight and narrow, you can always choose to come back. Being a Mom was never my “end goal”. More like an item on a life checklist for me with the end goal being the way I imagined myself in my 70’s…with adult children.
I didn’t realize….as most mom’s feel….how pivotal being a mother would be. How demanding and the pressure—-oh god the pressure. It’s unbearable. The worry is crippling and it’s changed me in ways I never wanted.
But I will learn to overcome this. As I spend more time with them, listen more, hug more, raise my voice less, I know it will come…and the worry has to fade. When cars can see them, they can swim, they can fight, they know right from wrong, –don’t tell me it won’t. I know mom’s want to say “the worry never leaves, it just changes” –but I can’t live with that right now. –no way no how. The worry will fade OR my anxiety will learn to calm down I suppose….we can go with that.
So there is my stream of consciousness. A little piece of my soul and perhaps representing a community that doesn’t have much voice. These photos bring me joy and hope for a life and a ME I love 100% inside and out backwards and forwards. Because these two? They are SO COOL. SO SWEET. & Hold the potential to permanently alter everything that is the future of human kind. So I will teach them. Love them. And grow this business just the same. With appropriate time and heart dispersion.
James Clynn: Nearly 3 Years Old
Leo Author: 18 Months