For the blog readers. The true SJP supporters. The Google Browsers. This one’s for you.
Not the Facebook tribe of friends of friends of friends who were fed a link from the algorithm. Because I never subjected this post to it.
Not the hashtag fight on Instagram or whatever the heck is going on over in Twitter (what even is that platform for??).
For the love of curiosity. For the love of me. Jaclynn. For whatever reason you opened this blog post that went unsponsored. This one’s for you.
I’m weird right now. I feel weird. I don’t know what’s “me” and what’s not but a few solid foundations….Like Yoga. Coffee. SJP. My love for my family. The details though? They’re hazy.
Let’s get raw.
In Vegas Clynn did a shoot with me by the pool. “Lifestyle” portraits for my feed to show the more exposed, fun, adventurous side of me. I was done being censored. Done feeling like EVERY SINGLE POST needed to make my brides feel safe in a SOLID BRAND and like I was this fine oiled machine comparable to companies like Starbucks or Geico–when everyone knows I’m a 1-4 man show (depending on the time of year) with less than three full years under my belt –what a joke. Done feeling like I needed to fake my way into the hearts of the LDS following I started with. I like cocktails. and not wearing pants. I like coffee. I’m obsessed with my pink hair and I think I verge on some weird version of OCD with how I can’t stop touching it if it’s not in a pony tail or french braid.
You want to know how I’m really doing right now?
I’m sad. And I’m so happy and proud.
I am sad that I lost my best friend in building this business just weeks before Leo was born. I’m sad that she just dropped out and left because of entrepreneurial differences after a decade of intimate friendship. The truth is I was codependent on her. I needed her to feel validated in anything I did. This held me back in ways most people will never understand…and as my business calms down from the crazy that was 2017 I’m left to deal with the emotional grief I never dealt with back when it was fresh.
But I’m so happy to be okay. I’m so proud of how far I’ve been able to come on my own and finding validation within my own mind. I do what I love. I do what feels right WHEN it feels right regardless of what any one person may think.
And you want to know what? The response to getting a little less censored wasn’t warm. It hasn’t been great. My “following” is probably pretty confused.
I’m confused too.
Maybe it’s an early midlife crisis…or maybe it’s just realizing how quickly people change…but sometimes I look at photos of me and I think “I’m genuinely happy here”…”But who is that?”…Weird, yeah?
There are things going on in my personal life that need to stay private. But they’re scary. and they pull me into trances of sitting on the floor of my unfinished camping trailer for an hour at a time staring into space wondering what life will be like a year from now…and if it’s a place I want to be.
Then I come back to Yoga. Coffee. SJP. My love for my family. Rose Gold Hair. and I know I’ll survive just fine.
SO this one’s for you nosey peruser. My name is Jaclynn and I am so freakin human. Life IS NOT perfect. Nope, not even when told through seemingly flawless contrast, focus, color, light, or framing. When my smile is so real, last night may have still been hell. When I speak of love and promise for a better tomorrow, it’s likely 90% for me and 10% for whoever needs to hear it, too. I cry allot. and I laugh out loud at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I always leave analyzing everything and wondering if I did well enough. Every email. Every Shoot. Every Meeting. Every Gallery.
There’s a person on the other side of this digital creation. There’s a family and a career. There’s a dream and a momboss who has showed up every day for the last 1,028 days in some way and will definitely be showing up tomorrow.
I won’t let you forget. You true supporter. That I’m real. and I’m never perfect. However, I can honestly say I’m ALWAYS trying to be better. So sit back and watch this midlife crisis/I don’t know what the heck is going on stage unfold. Sense it in my photos. Sense it in my captions. Because it’s human. And it’s OKAY. –HECK. I choose to believe it’s beautiful.