Written July 2022 To all the LGBTQ people who fell in love with their best friend on accident. I see you. This was mine. I hope you find healing, too.
To the girl I loved first,
I’m 31 now. I think you turned 30 last month. I’ll bet you celebrated in a beautiful way.
I feel like an entire lifetime has happened since we stopped being best friends. Six years ago now.
I still Google you sometimes. About once a quarter I find myself missing you. I’ll check your website and your Instagram, hoping to find a little piece of something that lets me know you’re well…you don’t post much any more. I love that for you. I don’t think that space was ever a place you loved anyway.
Just incase you check my blog sometimes….because I’ll bet you probably do…There are a few things I wish you knew.
One: I never read that last text you sent me. I saw it was long but I deleted it. I assumed you were “breaking up” with me…again…because we were fighting…again…but I didn’t want to give you the last word because unbeknownst to you, you had an unhealthy amount of power over me…or maybe you did know. Not reading that text felt like taking my power back. Power you never asked for.
Two: I’m sooo bisexual. Like so much so I should probably just say I’m gay. I don’t just “think” this, I know it. Clynn and I are dating a few girls and they are the most amazing people and one of these days you’ll hop online to see how I’m doing and we’ll be in a triad or I’ll have a girlfriend. If you don’t see this….I hope there’s a moment where you go “ooooohhhh, that makes so much sense”. Because no one knew me like you knew me.
Three: I didn’t know it then, but I was 100% in love with you. Like love love. I remember being so confused why I was so uncomfortable any time you’d hug me, put your arm around me, nudge me playfully, sit close to me on the couch while we set up my first Pinterest account. I remember every little moment like that because I remember telling myself “This shouldn’t be weird. She’s your best friend. It’s normal to touch sometimes and it should be friendly and fun.” My skin would crawl when you sat so close and I never knew why. I just thought I was “awkward”. I felt an obligation to tell you EVERYTHING. Like I was lying if I left any detail out. I know now, friends aren’t really like that.
Fun development: I’m not that awkward. I’m actually pretty cool. And now that I have actual romantic relationships with real women, all of my friendships are natural. Natural touches natural side by side sitting. No awkwardness at all. And that’s been an amazing development I was sad I didn’t get to share with you. There are a lot of things I’m sad I don’t get to share with you.
But I’m happy I don’t.
Because no matter how much I miss you, I know having you as a “friend” was never and would never be good for me, or you, in the same way keeping an ex as a friend is typically a no-go.
I hope knowing this brings you a little peace some day. Why our relationship was so confusing or hard or the details just never seemed to add up when we were having a hard time. I know it might make you feel weird to know at first…but I hope you can see past that.
If you’re reading this, I hope you know there is no one on this entire planet, that I never talk to, that I wish all of the good amazing spectacular things for more often than you. I spent 1/3 of my human experience (up to this point) calling you my best friend and that will never go away. Some day, it may be 1/10 and I’ll still wish you well. I’ll probably even write you more letters here because it helps. and I can.
Clynn and my closest partners know/will know what a role you played in my story. What a vital role you played in me learning who I am, what I deserve, and how I choose to love. Some day, the boys will know, too. I promise to always speak of you fondly and to honor the roll you played in my life…even if you don’t come close to doing the same for me. I am aware, that’s none of my business. Though, I hope you remember the good times, too.
I laugh often about how we met. Sitting on a gym floor at a giant sleepover where I licked (deep throated) toothpaste off your finger before we even exchanged names. I loved reliving that night with you the few times people asked how we met…aaaannnddd how TF did I/we not know. Maybe you knew.
All the best to you, N. ♥
To the girl I loved first.